It’s a Different World

Figure 1: Yes, I effed up Hillary’s head.

Back story before substance: For a variety of reasons, I wiled the hell out yesterday, resulting in me crashing at 9 last night. And when I’m exhausted I tend to faceplant spread eagle and knock things over in my sleep, which results in me startling myself awake. Efficient huh? Anyway that brings us to where we are now– unreasonably alert and watching BET at 3 in the morning.

Somehow I don’t think the network programmers did this intentionally, but the episode of a Different World that’s on right now is insanely topical. Entitled “The Little Mister,” it features one of those role reversal plots in which all the presidential candidates are women– Georgia Mush, Rose Godot, and Jill Blinton. How subtle! (One of the things I love about this show is the fact that the storylines sound like things I would have written in the 5th grade). In any case, Jill’s (Whitley) husband Hilliard (Dwayne) is frustrated because as a potential “First Husband” he is not allowed to have any substance or opinions. Sound familiar?  I know they meant this as a simulacrum of Hillary (the episode originally aired in ‘92), but Michelle anyone? Michelle Obama Watch is a good resource if you want to get informed and/or angry. Anyway, here’s a clip of the presidential debate on the show.

Critical Impressions*

Why do the moderators look like they just got off of work at Foot Locker?

Whitley’s purple powersuit is kinda hot…

My aunt and her Cabbage Patch Doll rocked matching versions of the EXACT same cowgirl outfit Rose Godot is wearing!

*I would attempt to address the treatment of women in politics and then digress into fashion commentary.

Dap Attack

Because this blog is all about me me me and I’m not currently running for office, I hadn’t really intended on delving too much into politics. HOWEVER, that was before things got personal. This past weekend at my brother’s graduation I ran into the father of a good friend of mine. I’ve known this man for 5+ years. I’ve eaten his food. I’ve slept at his house. It is entirely possible that I have even gone #2 in his bathroom at some point (hypothetically that is, since I would never dream of engaging in such unlady-like behavior). Anyhow, upon our meeting there were several possible courses of action:

Figure 1: Really though, my hands aren’t that big.

Figure 2: Soooo good to see you!

Figure 3: AY GIRL, WHAS REALLY GOOD?!

Guess which one I got… I have no doubt in my mind that this happened as a direct result of that terrorist fist jab we’ve been hearing so much about. Sometimes SWPL is dead on– Exhibits A, B, and C . Bless his heart for trying to connect with urban youth such as myself though.

At least I don’t plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you cunt.

While I’m on the subject of presidential hopefuls, remember how that quote was being broadcast absolutely everywhere?

Yeah, me either. Funny how that works. Anyway, check out the vid below for a hilarious take on the matter.

No cuntry for old man…lulz.

Not the Gravity Plan

Yep. Still hate running. Music helps a lot though.  Lately I’ve been running to my pre (as in pre-911) playlist.

Figure 1: Got a lisp? Don’t worry, you too can be featured in mini-van commercials.

Who: Modest Mouse

What: Gravity Rides Everything

When: 2000

Where: I like it at the beginning of a run in the morning.

Why: It’s a pretty chill motivator to get going:

Early early in the morning it pulls all on down my sore feet
I wanna go back to sleep.

And to keep going:

As fruit drops, flesh it sags

Figure 2: Get your ass outta bed and keep your fruit nice and firm.

Oh my God it’s just so hot and I thought you weren’t home!

Update: Justice is served.

Just walked into the kitchen to find Katie sitting at the dining room table wearing a button up shirt and no pants. Bare-assed karma at its finest.

NSFW

Author’s Note: This story has a point; I just like to build dramatic tension through seemingly pointless babble.

Yesterday after work I went on a 2 mi run and a 23 mi bike ride. While both were enjoyable despite the 90+ degree weather, I drank copious amounts of water before I went to bed. This action of course resulted in me waking up multiple times to use the bathroom. I went to bed fairly early (around 11) while my roommates went out for a few drinks with a friend. So when I woke up 30 minutes later (or so I thought), it seemed logical that they would still be out.

This is why I thought it would be ok to walk the three feet from my bedroom door to the bathroom in my…state. I just want to get out of the way that 14% of women and 31% of men do it, so it’s not that weird that I was sleeping naked. And it’s not like I do it all that often either. Sometimes it’s too hot or I’m just too lazy. Usually it’s no big deal. Anyway I groggily make it into the bathroom and close the door when I hear, “Woohoo!” “Lookin’ good!”

#&$*@#&!^???

It is actually 1am. Both Katie and Mika are back and sitting in the living room engrossed in something on their respective computer screens. Mika swears she hears me go, “Psssst” and they both look up to see me stumbling down the hall in all my glory.

At least you’re not fat.

Thanks, Ryan. Guess I don’t have to move after all.

omg f1r3!

HOLY SHIT BREAKING NEWS

Figure 1: All your money are burnt

—– Forwarded message from bceao2@gazeta.pl —–
Date: Wed, 4 Jun 2008 21:05:05 +0100
From: “bceao2 Gazeta.pl” <bceao2@gazeta.pl>
Reply-To: “bceao2 Gazeta.pl” <bceao2@gazeta.pl>
Subject: Dear Customer, urgent/important info. from (BCEAO).

Dear Customer,

It is sad to reach you today with information on the sudden out break of
fire which affected many departments in this Financial institution and
caused a lot of damages to our electrical gadgates including our computer
systems where your information were stored. It is also sad to note that some
of our staffs were burnt to death and so many others injured and are
currently undergoing medical attention.

The incident actually destabilized our arrangements in finalizing the
release/transfer of your fund to you as earlier proposed. However,
everything have been brought under control and we are reaching you once
again for you to reconfirm to us immediately, your information which we lost
through the fire incident. They are as follows:

A: Your full name/Address
B: Gender/Sex
C: Your Contact Phone Number/s
D: Amount to be transferred to you
E: The last amount you were requested to pay for the release/transfer of
your fund to you.

The earlier we receive the reconfirmation to your above information as well
as the exact amount of fee you were earlier requested to pay for the
release/transfer of your fund, we shall immediately resend to you, the
information on how to forward the release/transfer payment fee earlier sent
to you. Please kindly forward your above info. to the office of the
Financial Controller, Dr. Louis Stephen via E-mail:
banque.central.afr@gmail.com for urgent attention.

This need to be done as soon as possible to enable us complete this
transaction without further delay.

Signed,
Dr. Louis Stephen,
Financial Controller,
Banque Central Afrique (BCEAO),
Benin Republic.

Lawl, gotta love that spam.

RIP

Bo Diddley died yesterday. He always struck me as a kindly grandfather figure so I was sad to hear the news. Oddly enough, a few people thought I was referring to Bobo and expressed their sincerest condolences.

Figure 1: Bobo

Figure 2: Ellas Otha Bates

Not sure I see the resemblance on that one.

Anyway, I’ve had some good times listening to his music, so check out Mr. Diddley in his prime:

I walked 47 miles of barbed wire,
Used a cobra snake for a neck tie.
Got a brand new house on the roadside,
Made out of rattlesnake hide.
I got a brand new chimney made on top,
Made out of human skulls.

Different song but still 100% pure Bad Ass.

Rest in peace!

Fork and Run

Ohai,

For the first time since I’ve resolved myself to do this oh, two weeks ago, I actually managed to get out of bed at seven this morning and go for a run. I’m signed up to do the Ramblin’ Rose and Wilmington Y triathlons this fall. Thank goodness, otherwise I think my training would look something like this:

+= Grown & Sexy.

I did my first duathlon in April and it was awesome, so hopefully these will be fun too. Except that I’ve really grown to hate running…and I’m kind of a shitty swimmer…

Anyhow, the point of all this was to discuss the strange things I came across during the course of my run this morning.

Figure 1: Doe, a deer, a female deer

Figure 2: Dr. Gordon Pitz

Figure 3: Bent fork

1. Deer seem to be drawn to me for some reason. I rode behind a herd(?) of about 20 of them on my bike not too long ago; and of course there was the suicidal one I hit on the interstate. According to The Internet (so you know it’s true), they are symbols of love, gentleness, kindness, gracefulness, sensitivity, purity of purpose, walking in the light, swiftness, meekness, meditation, longevity, and wealth. You know, all the qualities I don’t possess.
2. Pitz is well known around these parts for teaching Research Methods and although he’s pushing 70 at least, he’s in way better shape than I’ll ever be. (Think heroine-chic Santa Claus decked out in 70’s jogging apparel).
3. Don’t you know there are starving children in Ethiopia that would die for your bent fork? (At least, that would be my mother’s interpretation of the situation).

So what does it all mean? When in doubt, I turn to Google. An image search of “deer fork pitz” reveals this nugget:

Figure 4: It’s all so clear to me now.

As an aside, do you ever feel like your ipod is trying to tell you something? If so, why does mine insist on playing this song every chance it gets?

I can feel it in my bones, I’m gonna spend my whole life alone.

Thanks ipod. Thanks a lot.

Now Entering Adulthood

I guess I’ve technically been an adult for some 4 odd years now, but I’m starting the count as of last Monday when I began my first full time job. I’ve got to say, I now see why everyone is ready to settle down at this point.

I cannot physically stay up past 11:30.

I get pleasure out of tidying my room every night and preparing for the day ahead.

The top of drawer my desk at work contains chapstick, hand lotion, a wide array of snacks, and my badge. It’s only a matter of time before these make an appearance:

Figure 1: Shit, now that I think about it, I could go for some sugar free hard candy right about now.

Basically, I am a boring sack of potatoes. Well, a lean mean eatin-my-greens boring sack of potatoes. You know how domesticated hogs are just a few days away from turning into crazy ass feral hogzillas? Oh, you didn’t? Well shit!

Figure 2: I digress because I care.

Anyway, my evolution has been much the opposite from that of our dear friend pictured above. A month ago I was running wild, subsisting on a diet consisting entirely of nachos, beer, and liquor. This was not good.

Figure 3: Yes, we are eating nacho cheese.

My feral days are over, now on to Grown and Sexy. Basically I’ve gone from the above:

to this:

Figure 4: Ok ok, still working on the sexy part.

Of course, I will miss my sabertooth buddies and the loin cloth get up was a lot more practical for the summer months, but every change has its drawbacks.

All in all I’m enjoying my newfound lameness. However, if I ever utter “early bird special” and “K&W” in the same breath, please start force feeding me tequila shots till I come to my senses…or black out…

An historic event

So this is muh blog eh?  While there’s nothing wrong with pleasure, a girl needs to pleasure herself every now and then.  Heh.  What I mean is that I have lots of shitty thoughts which have no place on our super cool haus blog, so I’ll dump ‘em here.  Like that shit-dump pun.

Yeah this should be grand.  As an aside, a quick google image search for “poop” yields terrifying results.  Do not want.